


Only what you make of it

by OTTLCWPTTISPSBQNBTTKs_bitch



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, aoc au, it'll be fun they said, write fanfic they said
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21629212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OTTLCWPTTISPSBQNBTTKs_bitch/pseuds/OTTLCWPTTISPSBQNBTTKs_bitch
Summary: Alyssa never imagined at the age of 28 she would have staff working for her. But here she was, back at her alma mater as a distinguished alumnus, a success story of Edgewater and the next political ingenue running for an open state senate seat in Illinois.Or, what the heck happens ten years later if it wasn't happily ever after for our high school lesbians.
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

Alyssa flicked through the index cards she was holding. Her lips moved silently as she went over her speech notes, memorizing key phrases, for lack of anything better to do. She also needed a distraction from her surroundings. It was cramped, and stuffy but surprisingly not the worst green room she’s ever been in. 

She could hear a fanfare starting up in the gym, just beyond one side of the cinder block walls. Stepping over equipment stacked on the ground, she paced the narrow room and rechecked the bullet points of her speech. She didn't like writing out entire speeches; it's easier to omit a line when you don’t put it all down. The fact that she now had to deal with teleprompters at the bigger events was something she still grumbled about to her staff.

Alyssa never imagined at the age of 28 she would have staff working for her. But here she was, back at her alma mater as a distinguished alumnus, a success story of Edgewater and the next political ingenue running for an open state senate seat in Illinois. 

Out of the corner of her eyes she could see a phone pointed at her. A flash went off and Alyssa winced. She side-eyed the only other person in the room with her. “Do you have to, Sid?”

“I wouldn’t _have_ to if we had better lighting in this joke of a staging room.”

“It’s a band closet.” Alyssa gave a sweep of her hand indicating the space they were in, the _what did you expect_ part implied. Then, remembering something she said, “Aren’t you supposed to be at–”

“Just need a couple shots for your insta story and I’m gone. I know you didn’t want to use this for the campaign but it’s not a bad thing to let your constituents know. You’ve been silent on socials for like,” Sid paused to check his phone. “ ...over twenty four hours.”

“ _Future_ constituents,” Alyssa corrected.

“Voting constituents,” he countered. “They’re not going to be future anything if they don’t know you, Alyssa. The people of Illinois want to see more than just your stump speeches. So you didn’t want press on this, I’m cool with that. Just some candids to show you’re using this time away from the campaign to do something personal and passionate.” 

Alyssa blinked at him and went back to her cards.

“Make sure you throw something on your personal gram. If you want,” Sid suggested, in as casual a tone as he could manage. That is to say, Alyssa’s campaign manager was often never casual. More like, an intense ball of anxious energy manifested as a tall, gangly millennial; Sidney looked like he’d never stopped campaigning since grade school student council. 

Alyssa tried to imagine how that insta story would go: _Hey everyone. Guess where I’m at? It’s a real special place, let me tell ya. You won’t believe the shenanigans I got up to in here._ As the image of the other person involved in the shenanigans appeared Alyssa immediately put a stop on that line of thought.

“Maybe when it doesn’t look like I’ve been kidnapped and held hostage in a jank basement,” she said.

As if on cue, the door to her place of hostage opened and, like an ethereal entity made real by wishing, there she was. Emma fucking Nolan.

––

_“Emma Nolan.”_

_“Fuck!” Emma gasped._

_“Emma Nolan.” The voice over the speakers repeated again. “Please report to the principal’s office.”_

_Alyssa pulled back to look at her girlfriend, one hand had clutched onto Emma’s shirt when their make out session got a little heated. Emma’s hands were under Alyssa’s sweater top, warm against her skin, but remained respectably on her waist. Alyssa couldn’t help but grin at the look on Emma’s face, those thick eyebrows knitted together in a look that was between panic and disappointment._

_“I need to go,” Emma said in a low voice. “It’s probably the ACLU thing that Mr. Hawkins has been working on. You know...” She swallowed. “For prom.”_

_Alyssa leaned in and pressed her lips against Emma’s. “Okay,” she said and finally released her hold. She tried to smooth out the wrinkles on Emma’s shirt and wiped the corner of her mouth where there was definitely evidence of lipstick gone rogue. “Sorry.”_

_Emma shook her head and smiled at her. And Alyssa could’ve sworn the single, dusty fluorescent tube above them glowed brighter for a second. She watched Emma open the closet door and peeked out, then disappeared._

––

But there she was again. Framed by the open doorway, Emma Nolan was a vision. Her hair was shorter than Alyssa had ever seen it but still looking like Emma had to fight with it every morning. She had on a maroon t shirt - “North Side Marching Band” printed in block letters on the front - tucked into dark jeans. 

“This is the waiting room,” Sid’s voice rang out. Both women looked at the campaign manager as though he had only just apparated into the space. “Or a storage closet. Depends on what ya need. You looking for someone?”

A smile appeared on Emma’s face and she shook her head at Sid. The simple action almost knocked Alyssa over; like an echo reverberating through the years and punching right into the present. 

“Wasn’t expecting to find anyone. Just an alum wandering. You know... nostalgia.” Emma waved her hand around vaguely. “Right. See ya.” She locked eyes with Alyssa for a fraction of a second and then she was gone. 

Alyssa watched her disappear from view, feeling like she’d full on experienced a ghostly encounter. Her hands felt clammy and her breaths were coming in a little short. Trying to calm down, she took a long, deliberate sip of water.

Sid turned to Alyssa and jerked a thumb at the door. “You know her?”

Alyssa almost choked.

\--

Honed over years in college debate, Alyssa’s public speaking skills were pretty lethal by this point. And her new political gig made her even sharper. Alyssa quickly learned on the campaign trail that she could read a crowd and conjure just the right kind of energy to hold any sized audience spellbound.

So at this assembly of teenagers she channeled youthfulness, and energy, and a proud graduate of James Madison High testifying on how the arts program taught her persistence and perseverance. And why the Allen-Glickman Performance Arts Festival is not just about celebrating artistry but about authentically changing lives. 

Ethos, logos, pathos. Check, check and check.

Alyssa took her seat on stage and cast a glance to the side, pass the principal and the other guests, to the row of people lined up along the wall of the gym. She stopped at a blonde that caught her eye. Emma was leaning against the wall, the back of one foot up against it and looking relaxed. There was a woman next to her who leaned over and whispered, and whatever was said made Emma gave the woman a conspiratorial wink.

Drawing in a sharp breath, Alyssa forced herself to shift her gaze to a spot in front of her, noticing the shine on the gym floor. And just like that, she was transported back to when lights danced and reflected off those floorboards on the best night of her life, ten years ago. Alyssa shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose, then snuck another look sideways. Emma was no longer there.

Mercifully, the ceremony was almost coming to a close with a final performance by the festival’s jazz band. Fifteen kids, filled with pubescent awkwardness, lumbered onto the stage with their instruments. And at the front standing dead center of her line of sight, ready to conduct, was Emma.

Alyssa strongly considered faking a fainting spell to get out of this cruel series of jokes being played on her by the fates.

_––_

_“Are we ever going to get to see more than just your building?” Emma asked, a wistful tone in her voice._

_Outside, the sky was an angry, rumbling sheet of gray slate. Alyssa watched as the rain pelted down. She couldn’t even see beyond the end of the quad her dorm window faced. “Not according to the weather channel.” She sighed._

_Since arriving at school in Illinois she’d only seen Emma a couple of times. This was Emma’s first visit to the campus and the drive across the state line almost killed her truck. The pickup had barely managed to roll into a spot when the engine made a wheezing sound before dying completely._

_Alyssa started to look up a mechanic but Emma had cut her off, muttered something about not worth having the piece of crap even towed and changed the subject._

_Cabin fever was driving Emma crazy and Alyssa was ready to put some space between them. Once the storm passed Emma was at the door, lightly bouncing on her heels, waiting on Alyssa who was moving with a slower, distracted pace._

_Whenever Emma tried to hold her hand Alyssa found reasons to let go - pointing out an interesting spot on campus, pushing her hair back from her face, checking her phone. Anything to avoid the discomfort she felt when she thought someone looking might notice her and Emma. She didn’t notice when Emma stopped trying._

_They ended up at one of the dining halls, trying to use up all Alyssa’s meal plan points. There was enough food for four grown humans in front of them but Alyssa’s mind was far away, on edge. Inside it felt like a thousand bells were chiming, claxons going off, sirens blaring. She couldn’t figure out what the warnings were for. All she knew was that she didn’t want to be there._

_“You’re thinking too loud.” Emma’s voice broke through the din._

_“I didn’t say anything,” Alyssa said defensively._

_Emma leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. “No. But I see you thinking. A lot.”_

_The lilt in Emma’s voice should have given away the fact that Emma was only playfully trying to connect with her, but Alyssa was irritated by the call out. And with some pettiness she decided to stay as silent as she could without being completely cold towards Emma._

_Later that night, a phone call with her mother left Alyssa in an even worse mood._

_Emma took Alyssa’s hand and interlaced their fingers. “You can’t always let her get to you like that.”_

_“I know.” Alyssa allowed herself to be pulled into a hug. “I just want her to know I can do this,” she said in a whisper._

_“You shouldn’t let her make you feel like you can’t.”_

_Alyssa stiffened and pulled away, annoyance scratched at her insides. She was upset - raging - at the fact that Emma sounded so calm, like she didn’t see what the problem was. It wasn’t fair that she felt like her head was barely above water and Emma didn't seem to notice or care. So she took aim, and fired. “She’s trying! That’s more than your parents are doing.”_

_The silence after swallowed Alyssa whole, the full weight of her words pulled her under and she let it._

_The next morning, Emma stood at the door, her backpack held loosely at her side. “I don’t think…" Emma’s words came out in measured beats._ _It was like the sixth sense on an incoming slap, you flinch just a fraction before it happens. “I don't think we’re in this together anymore.”_

_She could say something. Explain. Apologize. She could. If that’s what she’d wanted. Instead, all Alyssa felt was relief when Emma left._

––

Alyssa made the quickest exit she could and almost power walked to the school's parking lot. She had no memory of the drive to her mother's house, only realizing she had arrived when she pulled up to the curb of the two-story Cape Cod that had been home since she was a kid.

The front door was predictably unlocked so she let herself in. She found her mother in the dining room and went to immediately embrace her. “Hi, mom,” she mumbled into the hug. 

Mrs. Greene let go first and placed her hands on Alyssa’s arms. “Hi, babygirl. I’m so glad you’re back.” There was a look on her face, one that Alyssa had described to her therapist as appraising-a-painting-at-a-yardsale look, one in a long list ways she’s described her mother during therapy.

“Me too. Primary season is going to be long,” Alyssa said as she made her way back to where she’d dropped her bags by the door. “Might be a while before I get another stretch of time like this to myself again.” 

“I can always come see you. On the _campaign trail_. That sounds so exciting!”

Alyssa bit back the “NO!” that immediately wanted to escape her mouth. Hoping that thought doesn’t carry her mother any further she mumbled something about getting changed and making dinner and made her way up the stairs.

“Oh. You’re set up in the basement, honey,” said Mrs. Greene. “Didn’t I mention this when we talked? On the phone?”

“N-no?” 

“We’re hosting some of the kids from the festival and your room is just big enough for us to put two twin beds in.”

There was a knock at the door. Alyssa registered the sound - but still in a daze trying to work out what her mother said, she moved on autopilot - and turned around and walked back down the stairs to answer it. Like a bad case of deja vu, Emma Nolan was standing in front of her again. If it were not for the two smaller humans behind Emma, Alyssa would have slammed the door shut and crawled into bed, hoping that today was just a feverish dream.

“Hello, Ethan. Hello, Ryan. How did your first day go?” Mrs. Greene came forward and nudged at Alyssa to clear the way. Emma stepped aside as well to let the identically tow-headed kids enter. They bounded up the stairs, clearly familiar with the house. Emma followed them in. And, not for the first time today, Alyssa wished for a swift bat to her head to knock her out.

Instead, she walked into the living room where she heard her mother ask Emma, “How was the first day?”

“Great. I mean, for the most part. Kids were great. So, Susan, the other chaperone–”

“The tall one?”

“Yea. She er... got a little bit adventurous with the gas station sushi.”

“Oh.”

Emma grimaced. “Yeah. Didn’t exactly plan for that in our risk assessment.”

Alyssa, who had been stunned into muteness since opening the door, watched this exchange between her mother and Emma with growing bemusement. Her _mother_ and _ex girlfriend._ Her eyebrows were scrunched so tight she gave herself a bigger headache than the one that hit her at the gym.

“Mrs. Greene, I hate to ask but could you like, fill in as chaperone with us at the state park tomorrow? I don’t think Susan’s going to be leaving the hotel room anytime soon.”

The rumble of footsteps interrupted whatever response Mrs. Greene was going to give. Ethan and Ryan only seemed to have two modes: stop and run, and they barrelled into the room like two excited puppies. Alyssa noticed they both had changed out of their band t shirts. One of them now had a tiara on their head and was trying to make it stay put. It made Alyssa smile.

“I could do it,” Alyssa finally spoke up. Heads whipped in concert to look at her. She caught her mother shooting a glance at Emma. “I don’t really have anything planned for tomorrow. And I haven’t been out to the park since high school.”

“Okay,” said Emma, nodding her head jerkily.

Mrs. Greene clapped her hands together. “Alright, kiddos, let’s go. Pizza waits for no one.” She herded the two tweens out and shut the door without so much as a goodbye.

Alyssa watched through the living room window as the strange trio got into Mrs. Greene’s Volvo and the car pulled away. 

"So...” Emma said, swinging her arms at her sides. At least, Alyssa thought, Emma was feeling as awkward about this as she was. “Wanna help me bake cookies?"

Wait.

“What?” Alyssa followed Emma to the kitchen, where the blonde was already pulling bowls and baking sheets out of the cabinets liked she lived here.

It turns out that a double batch of chocolate chip cookies was just about enough time it took for Alyssa to piece together all the disparate parts of this strange day; from her mother being a homestay host to Emma coming back to Edgewater with twenty band kids from Indianapolis. As awkward as finding herself unexpectedly spending time Emma, talking to her was the complete opposite. Like picking up a melody from an old song, their conversation was light and it hummed along. 

Alyssa also discovered that Emma was a messy baker. It became apparent the best way she could help was to anticipate where Emma would fling the last utensil she used and play retriever. When Emma approached the sink, Alyssa was still rinsing out measuring cups from the last batch. Alyssa felt a hand gently pressed on the small of her back as Emma stepped closer to deposit a bowl and whisk. ”You’re a pretty mysterious woman,” Emma muttered. 

The words were said so close she could feel Emma’s breath on her neck. Alyssa closed her eyes and suppressed a shudder before turning around. She leaned against the sink, wiping her hands dry and silently arched an eyebrow at Emma. 

Emma had already moved away, back on the other side of the counter, stacking cookies into gallon ziploc bags. Alyssa Greene was no dummy and wasn’t about to be played in her own home. She opted to silently glare at Emma until the other woman broke down.

Emma looked back up to see Alyssa’s unspoken demand for an explanation and chuckled. “Like, I follow both your Instagram accounts and had no idea you were going to be back as well.” 

“You didn’t know who the guest speaker was at the festival named after your mentors?” There was maybe a small amount of incredulity in Alyssa’s voice.

Emma shrugged.

Then it hit Alyssa what Emma just said before. “Wait. Back up. You follow me?”

“Always.”

“I didn’t know...” Alyssa started scrolling on her phone. 

“No. Dot. Lan. Dot. Em.” Emma helpfully supplied as she came up to Alyssa and looked over her shoulder as she followed Emma back from her personal account. 

Alyssa suddenly felt very aware of Emma’s presence. She was close enough to count as having invaded Alyssa’s personal space. So close, Alyssa could see the flour dusting Emma’s pale skin. On her nose, on one side of her cheek, and even on her glasses. So close, she couldn’t help but stare at hazel eyes that once made her heart do flips when they caught the sunlight.

A silent alarm triggered inside Alyssa, a proximity alert that made her panic. Her newly-trained politician brain screamed at her to pivot, so she quickly seized on a conversation topic. Remembering why Emma was in back in Edgewater she said, “So, a teacher.” A statement, but also a question.

“Middle school. Music.”

“What happened to New York?”

“It’s still there.”

Alyssa's eyes dropped to Emma’s lips and saw the smirk. “You know what I mean.”

“That was what everyone else wanted for me.” Emma paused, running a hand through her hair. She edged closer and was now, definitely, officially inside Alyssa’s personal space. “Everyone wanted good things for me. And, I’m grateful for that. I just needed to figure out for myself what was good for me.” 

Alyssa swallowed hard and looked down at the phone she was white knuckling.

“Alyssa...” When Emma said her name like that, it felt like her core was hit with a shot of electricity. It jolted and squeezed at her heart so tightly her chest hurt. “I might be reading this whole thing completely wrong and...” Her voice was soft and hesitant.

“No,” Alyssa said emphatically. “No, you’re not.” And she closed the final distance between them and kissed Emma.

There was something so delicious about kissing an old lover. It was sharing a secret language only they knew and now they were unlocking it again. Emma seemed to remember exactly how Alyssa liked being pulled close by her waist. And Alyssa could elicit that moan Emma made when she sucked and pulled on Emma’s lip. They kissed, unhurried and with no intention to stop until Alyssa needed air more than she needed Emma’s mouth on her. 

Alyssa pulled back and drew a deep breath through her nose. Emma still had her eyes closed and Alyssa was entranced as she watched Emma’s tongue glide over rosy lips. When Emma opened her eyes, her pupils were dilated dark.

"Is... this when one of us starts to apologize?" Emma’s voice was raspy.

"Do we have anything to be sorry for?"

“I guess not. Just-,” Emma stopped, like she was trying to weigh her next words. “The last time something like this happened. Well, more than this, you woke up and left. Like… like it was the worst one night stand.”

Ouch.They had managed to navigate the conversation all evening around safe topics. Alyssa honestly didn’t think they would ever talk of that night. _That night_ when they had both found themselves back in Edgewater, seeing each other for the first time since they broke up at 19. Some alcohol, a heaping serving of emotions, and the undeniable pull they had to each other, and Alyssa’s own demons made her flee after falling into bed with Emma. Everything about that night suddenly whirled through Alyssa’s head, spinning like an out of control carousel.

“Okay. Yeah. That was... I–” she sputtered and pulled away from Emma.

“Hey, don’t start apologizing for that now.” The sincerity in Emma’s words relaxed Alyssa immediately. She always had that effect on her - a few gentle words and Alyssa almost always managed to step away from whatever cliff she would spiral off from. It was so easy to see how she had fallen in love with Emma. Back then. All those years ago.

Not knowing what to say next she watched as Emma pulled out her phone. She swiped and tapped a couple times, and then held it out to Alyssa. “Can I get your number?” Alyssa didn’t know why, but her heart started pounding. “For chaperoning,” Emma explained.

Praying her face had not betrayed her disappointment Alyssa grabbed the phone off Emma.

“And also,” Emma continued, her tone slightly lower. “I try to get a girl’s number when they kiss like that.” 

Alyssa punched Emma in the arm and almost threw her out of the house, all the while her cheeks burned hot.

A half hour later, after Emma had left and Alyssa was satisfied with the state of the kitchen she headed down to the finished basement. Mrs. Greene, always the perfect host, had the bed ready for her with extra sheets and towels. 

Alyssa was digging in her duffel for some pajamas when a stack of boxes in the far corner of the basement caught her eye. On the side of each of the boxes, written in large, bold letters was the name **NOLAN**. 

She let out a growl and stomped to the bathroom. “You have got to be kidding me!” She yelled out loud to no one, except maybe to the fates. And finally - for the first time all day - Alyssa had the satisfaction of slamming a door shut.


	2. Chapter 2

It was early enough in the morning that it was barely light outside. Alyssa sat in the kitchen with the lights dimmed to its lowest setting. Fancy lighting in every room - a Mrs. Greene touch. The smell of coffee from the french press next to her, the light clanks from Mrs. Greene fussing around the kitchen, and the hum of the fridge were all so familiar to Alyssa’s senses that she easily slipped into her morning routine like it was only yesterday when she would be up to study for an hour before school while her mother made sure she had the right breakfast and the right lunch packed for school; none of that cafetaria junk for her superstar. 

Alyssa sipped her coffee and forced herself to concentrate on her ipad, committing words to memory to prepare for an interview that morning. She'd only remembered the campaign obligation when, half-awake and still in bed, she saw the email with talking points from Sid. 

Breakfast appeared in front of her, slid into her view wordlessly by Mrs. Greene.

"Thanks, mom."

"You're welcome. Better get started on eating. You won't have time to get changed."

"For a call-in interview with a radio show?" Alyssa gaped. 

"What's wrong with that?" Mrs. Greene glanced at Alyssa before turning back to the kitchen sink and her dishes. "But I meant for chaperoning the kids with Emma. You do remember volunteering for that?"

Alyssa set the ipad down, the glow of the screen was suddenly giving her a headache. "Yeah, mom, about that. Why didn’t you ever say anything about Emma?"

The pause was just long enough that Alyssa could tell Mrs. Greene was thrown by the question. 

"Which part?" said Mrs. Greene.

"Uhhh, all of them?" Alyssa, bewildered by the nonchalance, started to stare daggers at her mother's back.

Mrs. Greene must have felt it because she wouldn't turn around when, after another awkward pause, she finally said, "Oh, honey. I just thought you were over all that."

  
  


––

_“Okay, Alyssa, now that we’ve gone over all that, do you have any questions for me?”_

_Alyssa was seated in a small conference room with Sid, who had just been introduced to her as her campaign manager. They had been going through the ins and outs of running for office at the state level. Sid was nothing if prepared: binders, slide decks, and even a diorama of the Illinois Senate chamber - which Alyssa tried really hard to keep a serious face about._

_It was campaign boot camp and Alyssa had studiously taken notes. She flipped her notebook shut with a flick of her wrist. “Not right now,” she said._

_“So, that just leaves one more thing on my list. This is a primary run...”_

_Alyssa placed her elbows on the wobbly conference table, resting her chin on upturned palms. “Why do I sense that that was a dramatic pause for my benefit?”_

_“I’m in politics, I know how to put on a show,” Sid replied. “Listen. As your campaign manager I’m the point man for your press and PR. I need to be able to anticipate when the others are gonna start running on the negative. So I need you to tell me everything, so I can protect you when people start digging.”_

_Alyssa leaned back on her chair and crossed her arms, a wary eyebrow arched. “Did you save this for last so I wouldn’t run for the hills when you guys first recruited me?”_

_Sid said nothing in response, his expression frustratingly neutral._

_“Tell you what, exactly?” asked Alyssa._

_“Anything that didn’t come up in your background checks when we first vetted you. Pills? Bottle? Questionable social media stuff? Jealous slash crazy exes who will sell their story?”_

_“Bold of you to assume I have a dating life filled with exes.”_

_Again, Sid just let that response hang in between them. Alyssa was beginning to think this was some sort of test. She fixed Sid with a steady gaze and said, “There's been no one serious since… forever. And a definite ‘no’ on everything else.”_

_Sid heaved an overly dramatic sigh, picked up his pen and recited aloud as he wrote, “Alyssa Greene… not… a… lady… killer.”_

_“Hey!”_

_“Alyssa.” Sid looked back up at her. His tone was gentle, suddenly devoid of hardness or even the playfulness from moments ago. And instead of being comforting, it caused a cold flash of fear to run through Alyssa. “Understand this, right now no one will care because you're the best thing that's happened to state politics in a decade. You're going to run the table without us having to spend so much as fifty bucks at Office Depot for yard signs. But you're destined for bigger things– *You* want those bigger things,” Sid stressed when Alyssa tried to open her mouth to interject. “I don’t have to tell you this, because you’re not stupid. But when you start playing with the big boys with donor money it’s gonna be too easy to dig up just about anything and spin it against you. So, whatever you think I should know, serious or not, now is the time; I am your priest and this is your confessional.”_

_It was Alyssa's turn to stare mutely at Sid._

––

The scene in the living room looked like a reenactment of yesterday evening with Emma and her mother chatting amiably. Emma had her hands jammed into her pockets, standing there, too polite or too afraid to sit before being invited to do so. This whole revelation of a supposed rapport between her mother and Emma was still something Alyssa had trouble wrapping her head around. Her mother's vague response this morning did nothing to help. It was as though she’d stepped into an alternate universe since she came back to Edgewater. 

Except this time, Sid was there as well. Alyssa had watched her mother make the introductions when Emma arrived early to pick up the kids. Something about watching Sid and Emma shake hands made her grit her teeth in apprehension. But she couldn’t really do anything since she was already on the phone, on air with a radio show.

So Alyssa paced the kitchen like a trapped wild cat. Phone interviews put her on edge and the walking usually helped her focus. Her attention kept wavering though every time she walked past the kitchen doorway and caught glimpses of Emma through it. Alyssa noticed something new about her every time she looked. Emma was wearing a button-down shirt with rolled-up sleeves. On the next pass, she noticed Emma had on a nice fitting pair of outdoor khakis. It was a _really nice_ fit. Alyssa didn't even realize there were such things as nice fitting outdoor clothes. She dragged her eyes back up leisurely and found hazel eyes locked on her. The sides of Emma’s lips curled slightly as she looked back at Alyssa and waved. 

Caught looking. Fuck.

Alyssa spun around and paced to the other end of the kitchen. And shit. She realized she’d stopped paying attention to the radio host’s self-centered blabbering. Forcing herself to mentally run through what he said, she pounced on keywords. “Danny, the point is, rent is going up in the outer suburbs while wages remain stagnant across industries. People in district two are mostly commuters. They need to know what we define as a living wage actually means they can continue to afford to live in their neighborhoods and working in the– ” She was cut off and Alyssa rolled her eyes. 

She flipped her hair out of her face with her free hand and resisted the urge to slam her head repeatedly against the kitchen wall. Instead, she waited out the man-splaining that was going on and jumped back to deliver the kill: “I think it’s time to actually acknowledge the system is not actually broken, Danny. The system is running fine because it’s built to reinforce these predatory rental market practices. Because that’s how profits are made. So, you know, I’m in this race to change the system for Illinois, not fix it.”

Alyssa looked out to the living room again to see Sid throwing her a thumbs up as confirmation - they got the soundbite of the day. It was eight in the morning and Alyssa was already tired.

––

When the bus got to the parking lot of the state park there were already two other school groups milling about. Alyssa munched on a cookie and turned to check on the kids who were all fidgety and getting restless by the minute. Worse, the adults in front of her have started getting huffy with each other. As far as Alyssa could tell, watching the scene from a few feet back, there was a mix up in the schedules and nobody looked like they had any idea how it happened. Emma's pale cheeks were flushed red, and she must have ran her hand through her hair half a dozen times as she tried to get everyone on board with a new time slot.

"Excuse me," Alyssa said, stepping in to interrupt the huddle. She plucked a clipboard off the teacher cum chaperone person to her left and scanned the schedule, then she looked up and gave her winningest smile to the group. Less than five minutes later, the group scattered with all tensions resolved. Having successfully negotiated a staggered start time for everyone Alyssa returned to her own herd.

“Okay, team," Alyssa heard Emma call out to the kids. "Like I said this morning, Ms. Leigh is away today but we have Alyssa here. Y’all are pretty lucky cause Alyssa went to school to be a scientist. She knows loads of environmental stuff, especially in southern Indiana cause she also grew up here. She can be one of your expert person for your project, okay?”

Twenty helmeted heads nodded like a bunch of bobbleheads. Emma turned to Alyssa with an apologetic look on her face. “Sorry,” she said, “I was going to ask you about it on the ride over if it was okay for them to ask you questions for their geography inquiry project. We got the additional travel funds by pitching it as an interdisciplinary learning trip so, yeah.”

The grimace on Emma’s face was - and there were no other words that came to Alyssa’s mind except - adorable. She had no idea what all Emma had just said meant but she nodded and heard herself say, “Of course! No problem!” Mostly, she was stuck on the fact that Emma seemed to have kept tabs on her, even if it was just professionally. 

There was a flurry of activities as bikes were assigned when a voice called out, “Hey Alyssa, just what kind of scientist are you?"

Alyssa cast her glance around to find Emma at the other end of the group. Then she looked at the kid who hey’d her - it was Nathan, or maybe Ryan? 

“What’s your name again?”

“Ethan.”

“Ethan!” Alyssa snapped her fingers and pointed a finger gun at the kid. She immediately cringed and dropped her hand. “So, I used to be an environmental scientist at a lab, like research work. But, I realized I wanted to do more. And I guess I thought could really make a difference by–”

“Recycling?”

“...Yes. But also how it was super important that there are laws to protect the environment," Alyssa managed to recover. She rested her hands on her hips and pursed her lips, thinking fast. "So, then I started working with a lobbying group- you know what that is- nevermind. I now work for a place that makes sure people in charge of making laws, like, your congressman and senators, have really good science information when they have to decide to vote on those laws. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah?”

Alyssa felt as convinced as Ethan sounded. “You just let me know when you have questions about your project once we’re on the trail okay?” she said.

“Okay.”

Alyssa sensed more than anything that she was being watched. It tugged at her like an invisible force so she looked over her shoulder and caught Emma’s eyes from across the group. There was that ghost of a smile on Emma again. 

\--

_Alyssa snagged the soda from Emma’s hand and took a sip while eyeing her girlfriend who had a faraway look and didn’t seem to notice that the can was missing from her grasp._

_“What’s up with you?”_

_“Hm?”_

_Alyssa reached out to tuck blonde curls behind Emma’s ear. She looked around the living room before kissing Emma on the cheek. Somehow, after all this time, Alyssa still felt bashful around Emma’s grandmother, who was nowhere near them but was in fact busy in the kitchen. “You have that look on your face. Your sad-and-worried look. 'Doleful'. That’s your free SAT word of the day,” she teased._

_“Just thinking about college. We had the whole FAFSA talk today in homeroom. I still don’t know if I can afford to go to school full time without getting a job.”_

_“Have you decided on where you might want to apply?”_

_Emma shook her head. “Gran said she has my college fund saved up since I was a kid and I should go where there’s a good program for me. But I know that’s barely gonna cover tuition in state, even if I qualify for every financial aid that’s out there.”_

_“Illinois is only one state over,” Alyssa said._

_“What do you expect me to do?”_

_They were quiet as the implications of going to different schools continued to press in on reality. Then Emma took Alyssa’s hand and said softly, “So, med school, huh? Can I always call you Dr. Alyssa Greene?”_

_Alyssa brought their linked hands up to place a kiss on Emma’s fingers. “It’s Dr. Alyssa Greene, MD. Together with my girlfriend, Emma Nolan, famous singer-songwriter, living our best lives in New York.”_

_“Or San Francisco?”_

_“Maybe Berkeley? Anywhere, as long as I’m with you.”_

_“I can’t wait.”_

_\--_

“I can’t believe you decided to throw away your science degree to become a lobbyist and a politician,” Emma said, wrinkling her nose.

“Excuse you. I’m constantly using my degree at the lobbying job, and now when I have to deal with the anti-vaxxers and climate change skeptics at town halls." Alyssa scrunched her face back at Emma. "And in case you’d forgotten from ten minutes ago, you literally told your students to use me because of my ability to science.” 

They both ended up at the back of the pack. There were park rangers leading the tour so their job was to be lookouts, making sure no one biked off track or fell too far behind. They were perched at the top of a hill, on a point that Alyssa thought was a rather steep slope to start their trek. She took in the view in front of her, noticing where the trail ran down to a green valley floor before rising spectacularly at the other end up to a bluff that overlooked the river. 

“This place is stunning,” she said.

”Like me.”

“What did you just…” Alyssa started to say to Emma who had clicked her helmet on and, so quick was the act that Alyssa would have missed it had she not been staring, she winked.

“ _Emma Elizabeth Nolan!_ Did you just wink at me?!”

But she was already gone. 

Emma had pushed off on her bike and the only response Alyssa got was a “Woohoo!” that echoed across the valley as Emma charged downhill, both feet off the pedals in exactly the way her students were told not to do during the safety briefing.

\--

The slam of doors woke Alyssa up. She hadn’t even realized she’d dozed off in the short ride but there she was, suddenly alert and awake, in the passenger side of a car that, a minute ago, had two tweens in the backseat and Emma driving. Alyssa looked out the window to see the front door of her mother’s house open to let the kids in. There was the unmistakable silhouette of her mother, backlit by the lights, standing there. Then the door closed.

“Hey.” 

Alyssa turned back and smiled at Emma. “Hey,” she said.

“Thank you for today.” 

“I had fun.”

“Really, thank you for stepping in to sort out that mess when I, when I couldn't.”

Alyssa shrugged. “Sometimes it’s just quicker for an outsider to see the big picture and untangle things.”

Emma nodded. “I just... this trip, we worked so hard for the funding just to get the kids here. Not trying to make myself sound like a saint or that being a teacher is some higher calling.” Emma rubbed her palms together and then set them down on her lap. “The kids that go to my school, they don’t have the best home life and the music program we created was supposed to buffer them from that. Just like how music saved me, you know. And I just, I don't know, panicked in that moment and my brain froze thinking I'd fucked up and like, now I know it's not even that big of a deal but, huh… at that moment.” The rush of words fell out of Emma like she had been holding it back and the floodgates just gave way.

“Hey, we got through it. Take a deep breath, Emma.” Alyssa reached out placed it on top of Emma’s twitching hand. “We got everyone back into town. Limbs are all intact. We even snuck in slurpees so Nathan and Ryan are bouncing off the walls in there for my mom. They all had a good time. Hell, I had a great time.” She gave Emma’s hand a comforting squeeze. “I'm so inspired by this whole project learning thingy I'm going to see if the schools in my district do them. It's amazing. _You're_ amazing.”

Emma looked at her and Alyssa’s heart panged. At that moment, she realized she missed Emma in the way you didn’t know that absence in your heart was there until the missing piece was right in front of you once more. The tightness in her chest felt like the missing piece asking to be let back in.

Alyssa cleared her throat. “You know, that thing you said last night. That you’d wanted to figure out for yourself what was good. This life you have right now... is it? Good?”

“I think so, yeah. It feels... right. I know it’s not what everyone thought I would end up doing. But I never really wanted to be famous. That was when we were kids, you know? When we thought running away to some promised land was the only way we could be free, be happy.”

“We were dumb.”

Emma laughed. “So dumb.”

“That’s not fair. We didn’t know better.”

“You’re right,” Emma said. Her gaze was far away, out past the field across them and on the horizon where the sun was but a tiny ember. “And it’s kinda why I stayed here, in Indiana. So kids who are like us can see options in front of them instead of just… dead ends.”

Alyssa had also forgotten Emma’s ability to disarm her with earnestness. “Have I already told you that you’re amazing?”

They sat there in silence for a while. But it wasn’t long before a prickle of dread hit Alyssa in her gut, like a refrain that plays time and time again in the moments that made her want to be anywhere but there.

“I should get going,” she said, opening the passenger door and hurrying out of the car. Emma got out as well and they walked to the front door of Mrs. Greene’s.

“Hey, Alyssa?” Alyssa froze when Emma used that voice to say her name. “Could I maybe– I don’t know if you have the time but if you did, could I take you to dinner tomorrow? To thank you properly?”

“I have nothing going on and I’d like that very much.”

“Okay. Good. Good then. Good night.” 

Alyssa watched as Emma turned to leave and in a single fluid motion, before her mind could even process it, she dragged Emma back, and her other hand was on Emma’s cheek, pulling her in to press lips against lips. They kissed, soft, slow and tender. Emma smelled like sunscreen and tasted like slurpee; like the Emma of summer before senior year. The Emma she had been wildly in love with and could not get enough of.

Alyssa broke the kiss and pulled away. She looked at Emma and couldn’t help but be caught in her gaze. Emma’s eyes were steady, her breathing not so much. And the look on her face was one that Alyssa couldn’t place. In the catalog of Emma looks, this wasn’t one that she had ever come across ten years ago. Because it wasn't a look that teenage them could yet comprehend. The intensity that she saw behind those eyes was desire, but it was a kind that sailed right over want, over physical lust, to a deep and palpable hunger. On Emma, it was a look that made Alyssa’s throat go dry.

So she took another step back and smiled a shaky smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Hours later, in bed, tired but unable to sleep, Alyssa made a mental list of reasons why nothing today should count in any of her decision making. At the top of the list was: feelings from the past should not dictate actions in the present, Alyssa decided. Nothing that's transpired in the last forty-eight hours fit her plans. Emma Nolan was a ghost of the past, a tangent that's part of her break from the campaign.

She just had to make it through the next few days and things would go back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey. Thank you for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Tuesday, 8:00PM

**Alyssa  
** _Hope everything went ok today. See you tomorrow?_

 **Emma  
** _Yep. The Elks Lodge on Adams._

Alyssa read Emma’s text over and over again. And then she read the ones from earlier in the day. There was a kernel of anxiety, like a pebble wedged uncomfortably in a shoe that’s making her run through everything that had happened today. They all swirled in front of her and she’d pull one in, examine it and released it back into the tempest of thoughts.

Somehow, the ground had shifted underneath her at some point and it’s sending her down an entirely different path from how she’d imagined today was going to go. 

Tuesday, 5:30PM

“How bad is it?” 

Sid was typing on his phone and didn’t look up. “We’ve been at this for what... six weeks and this is the first time I’ve had to walk back something you said? You’re a goddamn unicorn, Greene.” 

There was a break to his typing and Alyssa made a face.

“You know what I mean,” he added.

Tuesday, 3:00 pm

After the afternoon she just had all Alyssa wanted was to fall face first into her bed and pass out for the rest of the day. She was halfway down the stairs when she noticed her mother already in the basement hovering over the mysterious Nolan boxes. She still had no idea why they were there. It also just struck to her that she’d never actually asked either her mother or Emma about them.

“Mom!” Alyssa called out as she went to Mrs. Greene who was attempting to lift the largest one from the ground. “Let me help with that.”

“I’m old, but I still do Zumba,” Mrs. Greene said by way of protest. Just the same, she moved aside for Alyssa. “They go by the stairs, please.”

Alyssa hefted the first box. “Why do you have Emma’s stuff here?”

“Oh, goodness, no, these are Betsy’s. She’s moved to Auburn. Her sister’s family lives up there, you know.” Mrs. Greene crossed the room to sit on the edge of Alyssa’s bed. “She’s finally putting the house up and I’m helping with the sale. I offered to store these until they had room for them in her new place.”

“I didn’t realize…” Alyssa trailed off because the revelation that Emma’s grandmother no longer lived in Edgewater suddenly pulled a blurry thought into sharp focus. She set the box down where her mother had pointed and sighed. “It feels stupid to say, but everything in this town always felt like it was the same. And now _you’re_ telling me Betsy doesn’t live here anymore. I– I guess I’ve just lost track of things… of life here.”

“Maybe that’s– ” Mrs. Greene started to say, “well... this place hasn’t always been easy for you.” Alyssa watched her mother brush invisible dust off the quilt and then tugged at the edges to straighten it. “And god knows, I didn’t make it any easier.” Mrs. Greene’s voice became strained and she looked like she was about to say more but instead, she pressed her lips into a thin line and shook her head. 

Alyssa sat down next to her mother and laid her head on her shoulder. "I know, mom," she quietly said. The words that her mother couldn’t say out loud, the regrets that Mrs. Greene had tried to express by deeds, that had always hung in the air between them unspoken, finally acknowledged.

They stayed like that, letting the moment sink in. Alyssa could smell the perfume her mother wore. It was something woody and feminine, a scent that Alyssa always associated with her mother’s strong will from all the times her mother had held her close to protect and to comfort her, and doing it all as a single parent. It was one thing that was still the same, unchanged. And for the moment Alyssa took strange comfort in this.

Mrs. Greene put her hand on Alyssa’s arm and patted it gently. “It took me a long time but, I understand now the choices were yours to make, not mine. And I am so proud of you, my girl."

Tuesday, 2:30PM

**Alyssa  
** _Sid gave me your message... :(_

 **Emma  
** _I came by but you were busy. Sorry about canceling. School stuff came up. :(_

Tuesday, 12:55PM

That interview could not have gone worse if Alyssa had suddenly declared she was running on the platform of legalizing crack cocaine. She sat with her face in her hands, taking in deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. The moment she knew she’d blown it was the long pause from the other end that followed her botched response on social security benefits. She’d screwed up. Royally. And now to tell Sid who was downstairs waiting, as he always did, to debrief with her.

She stopped dead in her tracks at the top of the stairs. A flash of happiness, followed by confusion when she caught sight of Emma who was at the front door talking to Sid. She couldn’t hear what they were saying. 

Something didn’t feel right. 

The look on Emma’s face was the practiced look of coolness. Alyssa had seen that look when Emma had refused to give her tormentors in school the satisfaction of knowing they had hurt her. But Alyssa knew that look had a tell - her jaw was set just a little too tight and her chin lifted, to hold back the tears. Alyssa was ready to tear into Sid for whatever he just said. Then Emma smiled and turned to leave.

Alyssa let her heart rate settle before she went into the living room.

“Hey. You just missed Emma.” Sid pointed to the door. “Says she needs to reschedule dinner with you?”

“Oh. Okay.”

“...Okay. What happened with the call?”

Tuesday, 9:30AM

**Emma  
** _Wanna come chaperone one more time? Tomorrow morning at the Elks lodge? Kids loved you._

 **Emma  
** _Looking forward to dinner, btw. Already starving._

 **Alyssa  
** _Yes! To both._

 **Emma  
** _:)_

Tuesday, 8:00AM

Three hours of sleep. That was all she got. 

Alyssa had a death grip on the french press in case Sid had any ideas about sharing. Though, had she paid closer attention, she would’ve noticed he was already vibrating with fifty ounces worth of soda energy. But she was looking out to where Emma stood in the entryway, hands in pockets, waiting to collect her twosome gruesome, Ethan and Ryan. 

Emma's eyes flicked over towards the kitchen. They kept catching each other’s glances and it was like high school all over again - communicating from across a room with shy and quick looks and hoping no one noticed. Alyssa watched as Emma, still in conversation with Mrs. Greene, pulled a hand out of her pocket and moved as though to push her glasses up and - Alyssa’s stomach did a funny thing because she had a feeling she knew what was going to happen next - Emma lightly scratched the bridge of her nose. 

It was their secret signal, something Emma used to do when they saw each other in the hallways, in class, everywhere where they couldn’t go up to each other without causing suspicion. It was their way of greeting, of saying “I see you”. When other couples could hold hands, kiss or even just say hello, they had only this.

And the feeling was sudden, unexpected, one of elation that formed in her chest, rising to pull her lips into a smile. Alyssa let it happen. Her smiling lips tingled from the memory of last night, of kissing Emma and in that moment how it felt like nothing beyond that had mattered. The sobering talk she had with herself afterward tried to object but she mentally swatted it away, refusing to let it ruin this moment. 

But she was also aware that another pair of eyes, not Emma’s, were on her. She turned back to Sid, who was staring at her with curiosity.

“Sorry. The last what?” Alyssa latched onto what she hoped was the last thing Sid said before her attention had wandered over to the living room.

Sid blinked and said in an uncharacteristically careful tone, “This is the last interview before we head back for town halls next week.”

Phone interviews sucked. But Alyssa didn’t care because today was going to go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She short but she necessary. 
> 
> Shout out to gay_relations for coming in clutch several times for this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

_Emma didn’t notice Alyssa was staring, but Alyssa was staring. Emma was oblivious and deep in concentration; she had her headphones on and there was a wrinkle between her scrunched eyebrows as she read from the textbook on her lap. From where Alyssa sat, the sunlight caught Emma’s hair and burst through like a golden halo around her head. Emma’s curls were always just this side of messy but right now the back of her head looked like a tornado of fluffy, dark blonde hair._

_Alyssa chewed on her lower lip to stop herself from grinning at that. She also slid her hands underneath her thighs because her fingers were itching to tangle themselves through those unruly curls. Again._

_Earlier, they were in Emma’s bedroom and one quick kiss had turned into longer ones. Alyssa’s fingers had wound themselves around blonde hair, holding Emma close as their kisses deepened. After a long while they pulled apart, as though they’d both sensed they had reached that point where it was probably a really good idea to stop before things got carried away._

_So they’d lain in Emma’s tiny bed in her grandmother's house, pressed nose to nose, listening to each other’s stillness._

_Alyssa thought about that as she continued to stare at her girlfriend. Without warning, and as though the thought itself became physical fuel, she launched herself at Emma and they landed in a heap on the couch, Alyssa on top of Emma. Emma took her headphones off and dropped them to the floor. Pushing her glasses up her nose, she grinned at Alyssa. “Hello?”_

_“Hi,” Alyssa said. Then she lowered her voice into a stage whisper. “Guess what? One year from now, we’ll be out of here.”_

_Emma wrapped her arms around Alyssa and, because they've played this game before, she recited, “And five years from now, we’re going to be responsible adults with our own place in New York.”_

_Alyssa placed a kiss on Emma’s forehead. “And ten years from now?”_

_Emma blushed, like she always did, as if embarrassed about her answer to the question. There was never an answer. Neither of them would say anything after that._

––

Emma didn’t know Alyssa was watching, but Alyssa was watching. They were at the back of the hall at the Elk’s Lodge, playing audience instead of chaperones while the kids were on stage. Emma stood with her back propped against the wall, arms crossed, relaxed and watching the performance in what Alyssa assumed was her teacher face. Emma's eyes scanned the entire stage, observing each student-musician with a hint of a smile, perhaps even pride. 

That's what Emma was doing when there wasn't someone coming up to her every few minutes. Teachers from other schools, teenagers from town, kids who weren’t kids anymore, strangers, and even some that were once familiar faces in James Madison’s hallways. They shook her hand, shared quiet laughs, some even gave Emma hugs that she warmly returned. Alyssa watched and wished she’d kept count of the number of people who’d approached Emma since they got there. She wondered about the number of lives Emma seemed to have affected by just being exactly who she was.

The punctuating crash of a cymbal brought the house down and made Alyssa turn her attention back to the stage. The all-age brass band was quite a sight to behold. It was made up of kids taking part in the festival as well as local Edgewater residents, including seniors from the nursing home next door. The event began as a project to honor the Allen-Glickman Festival's vision: ‘There’s Room for Everyone’. This year’s performance was a selection of Star Wars medleys. To everyone's delight, the horn section had marched onto the stage with stormtrooper helmets and the conductor whipped out a mini light saber as their baton.

The energy in the room had reinvigorated Alyssa. She spent the morning documenting her chaperoning duties on Instagram, posting captions and commentary on celebrating the intersection of people coming together to create and to commune. The feel-goodness of it all pumped a dose of confidence back into her desire to run for office again. Ideas and initiatives suddenly swarmed and she couldn’t wait for her meeting with Sid to talk about them.

What didn’t make it onto Instagram though was the private hell she was putting herself through, standing there next to Emma but hardly saying more than a few sentences to each other. From the outside, nothing seemed amiss. Emma was friendly when Alyssa had arrived that morning but it wasn’t the same Emma from the last few days, the one who sent her their secret signal from across the room, the Emma whose eyes had held a promise of… something. Alyssa didn't have a clear sense of what that something was exactly, but she thought that the last few days they had been edging closer to naming it. 

That Emma wasn’t there today and Alyssa wished she knew how to ask what went wrong. Her thoughts and feelings about this whole week with Emma existed only in the abstract; in her mind they would bob around and come together for a while, forming something solid before unraveling again. It was like words would appear for a split second but would then smear off into a blur before she could say them or even decipher their order.

A nudge of Emma’s shoulder against hers pulled her back to the present. It was a soft bump, but the physical contact made Alyssa’s heart jump. She must have stood dumbly for a while because Emma just shook her head, an amused look on her face.

Emma leaned in close so Alyssa could hear her over the music. “You’re doing that thing." 

Acutely aware of the way Emma’s words fell as warm breaths against her skin, Alyssa responded with a trembling, “Huh?” The way that came out surprised even Alyssa herself. She reached up to tuck wisps of hair behind her ears, trying to play it cool and to not look as discombobulated as her thoughts.

“That thing. You try to work out in your head every step of a plan before you do it,” Emma said. 

“Do you always know?” Alyssa asked, bewildered. Her attempt at composing herself had failed spectacularly. “Do you always know when I’m doing that?”

“Always.” There was a wistfulness in Emma’s voice when she answered. Shrugging, Emma pushed a hand through her hair and said, "I just miss it. Watching you work through things in your head." Her attention was still on the performance but she glanced at Alyssa and gave her a hesitant smile.

Hope flickered in Alyssa as she allowed herself to think maybe Emma was offering a way back on that path they had been on. That, maybe, she might still want to make something out of the time they had been spending together. Alyssa just needed to know where they stood. 

But just as quick as the sliver of hope had flashed, the dread Alyssa had felt all of last night returned to take its place. Her confidence fled, taking with it the chance for Alyssa to say what she needed to say. There wasn’t another opportunity for her to be alone with Emma again for the rest of the event and later that afternoon, Emma and her twenty band kids left for Indianapolis.

––

“Can’t we just never do phone interviews, like ever again?” Alyssa wondered out loud.

She was sitting across from Sid at the hotel’s spartan bar area, going over the week ahead and working on ramping up her public appearances. Alyssa was determined to focus on the work because thinking about the campaign meant she wouldn’t have time to think about the last three days of Emma. Or what it meant that they said their goodbyes in the rush to get everyone in the bus, or the vague promise to stay in touch. 

“We can get someone in to work with you on phone interview skills if that helps,” Sid said, his focus on the papers strewn over the table. “But that really wasn't the problem, though. You went off the talking points. And that’s very not like you.”

Alyssa slumped even deeper into her chair and took a sip of her wine. "I panicked,” she said.

Her campaign manager paused his reading and looked up at Alyssa. “You mean you went against your instincts. They’re good instincts. I know we debriefed and post mortem it to death last night. But seriously, what happened?”

“What did you say to Emma? Yesterday, when you guys were talking. What did you say to her?”

If the abrupt change in subject surprised Sid he didn’t show it. Instead, he seemed to be giving it some thought before replying, “Well, among other things, that you've never mentioned her or I would’ve already had a file on her. Alyssa, I was _joking_.” 

“Jesus. Sid.” Two words. But said with such bite under each of them that Sid had the decency to wince. 

Alyssa could actually feel the vein in her temple pulsing now. She drained the last of her wine and said, “How long?” She knew Sid would understand what she meant.

Sid sighed. “When you gave me your list of past relationships. Listen, I had to do my due diligence. So, I looked into Edgewater and it wasn’t hard to put things together after finding the story of Emma’s fake prom." It was Alyssa's turn to wince, hearing Sid say those words so casually as though it wasn't one of the worst things that had ever happened to them, to Emma. Sid noticed Alyssa's discomfort and his tone softened. "Watching you the last couple days? I thought you had something to hide. But, then I figured it out. You thought you were trying to protect her. Like how she protected you.”

Alyssa sat straight up and frowned at Sid. “I don’t understand,” she said.

“Alyssa, your name was never in any of the stories that ran about Emma Nolan and her prom date. She– Emma and her guardian angel, Sheldon made sure you were never in any of the coverage. Not a single photo of the two of you from prom night. Not even on your high school friends’ socials that me or my zillenial intern could find. God, Sheldon Saperstein is my goddamn idol.” When Sid spoke, there was a mirroring confusion on his face as though Alyssa should know all of this.

Any anger Alyssa held, any desire for a confrontation with Sid she had built up suddenly disappeared. She just felt deflated. Like she could fold over from the emptiness inside. She grabbed both their empty glasses and headed to the bar. She was going to need more than one glass if she was to figure out what the hell she was supposed to do now.

––

Alyssa left for the drive back to Illinois later than she had planned. She'd woken up late, the fatigue of sleeping very little in the last week and the three and a half glasses of merlot took their toll and she slept through her alarm. The departure from her mother’s house was a blur. Alyssa barely remembered packing or if she even ate. When she was ready to leave, her mother had set a basket of clean laundry in the passenger seat. Alyssa had stared at it, silently grateful. 

Some hours later, she'd passed several exits for Indianapolis on the interstate. Each time an off-ramp came into view her grip on the wheel tightened as if afraid that the car would sense the maelstrom of impulsive feelings within her and do what she didn't have the courage to actually pull off. 

Alyssa started merging over to the left most lane. In a couple of miles ahead the roadway would split, left would take her west; right, east. West on interstate 465, towards Illinois, to a life roadmapped and Alyssa knew what’s next for her. East to Indianapolis, to unfinished thoughts, to a future unclear but one that had danced tantalizingly across hazel eyes.

Alyssa decided, for once, to lean headlong into the impulses.

The skid marks left on the asphalt as the rental swerved across three lanes to make the exit were visible for months after.

–– 

Once, when Alyssa was ten, she broke down and cried because she was struggling with a take home project and Mrs. Greene would not allow her to leave the dining table until she’d finished it. 

“You got to see through what you started,” her mother had said.

“I don’t know how,” Alyssa said haltingly, trying bravely to hold back more tears.

Mrs. Greene sat down next to Alyssa. “You do know how,” she said firmly, but not unkindly. “You have to start with small steps. Look at the question again. What do you need to do first?”

Alyssa made herself focus and studied the paper in front of her. Ten minutes and two steps in the project later she looked up at her mother, who smiled at her. "See, that wasn't hard at all. Now think, what do you need to do after? You have to take time to stop and think through your next steps. That way you’ll always have a plan," said Mrs. Greene.

And right now was what it looks like when you don’t have a plan. The moment she got onto the ring road that encircled the city was the moment Alyssa realized she had no idea where Emma lived, not a neighborhood or even a general direction she could head towards.

Just before she completed a full loop of the ring road, she decided she’d feel less like a fool if she pulled into a gas station, bought herself some snacks (because she still couldn’t remember if she ate) and sat in her car trying to come up with a game plan. Her gaze wandered across her dash to the passenger side and landed on the laundry basket that was belted securely to the seat by Mrs. Greene. On the corner of her pile of clothes she spotted a rectangle of paper tucked in between shirts. She reached over and fished out an old check deposit envelope that had her mother's neat handwriting on it. 

A puzzled look crossed her face as she flipped the envelope over and opened it. She pulled out a photograph and almost had the wind knocked out of her. It was a polaroid from prom night a decade ago of her and Emma. In it, Emma’s arms were wrapped around Alyssa’s waist and they were laughing at something off-camera. She knew exactly where it came from: Betsy’s kitchen. She fingered the top corner of the photo, the colors of the lights in the gym looked so vivid like no time had passed since the photo had been taken. That corner of the polaroid was spared years of exposure to the sunlight that streamed through Betsy’s kitchen window because it was covered by a fridge magnet. Alyssa even remembered the day Emma’s grandmother put the photo up, the magnet was in the shape of a rainbow. Betsy had fussed over the Polaroid and wouldn't stop saying how beautiful they both looked that night. It must have been there this whole time until Betsy had moved out.

Alyssa tried to take in a breath but her chest suddenly constricted so hard. Her phone rang, shocking her back.

"Mom?"

 _"Hi honey. Have you made it home yet?"_ Mrs. Greene asked.

“Mom…” Alyssa tried taking another breath and this time air managed to fill her lungs. She held the polaroid in her hand, so many questions she wished she could ask the teenagers in it.

 _"Alyssa?_ "

Alyssa fell forward and rested her head against the steering wheel, feeling like she was ten again. She began to tell her mom what had happened since she left Edgewater and ending with, “And now I'm here, in a gas station. I just don't know, mom."

There was quiet at the other end of the line for a time and then Mrs. Greene sighed.

––

Her mother had Emma’s address in Indy. Of course she did. 

When she pulled up to the quiet suburban street, Alyssa felt ridiculous. She was supposed to be halfway across the state line by now but instead, she's walking with leaden feet towards a house from an address texted to her by her mother who was definitely hiding a lot more of her relationship with Emma than Alyssa thought. She almost wanted to laugh at the irony and made a mental note to bring that up with her therapist.

"Alyssa? What are you doing here?"

Emma was coming towards her from the opposite direction, two grocery bags in hand. Alyssa thought that was a pretty reasonable question, as she rustled up a rueful smile. What is she doing here? She still didn't have an answer for Emma when they entered the house.

"Gonna throw these in the kitchen," Emma said, holding up the bags. She nodded at the couch. "Make yourself at home?"

Alyssa heard Emma but she trailed after her anyway like a needy puppy. Emma went about putting her groceries away in the small, modern kitchen. She didn’t seem to mind or question Alyssa being in there with her. She even whistled as she turned to the fridge and shoved a half dozen frozen pizzas and a pint of Mint Chocolate Chunk in the freezer. 

Emma shut the fridge door with a satisfying thump and walked over to where Alyssa stood, and reached up above them to the shelf of drinking glasses. Watching Emma stretch, Alyssa’s gaze automatically slowed as she looked down to where Emma’s shirt had ridden up, admiring the contrast of pale skin against the dark jeans she wore. Alyssa inhaled audibly and felt her cheeks flush, embarrassed at finding herself unable to stop checking out Emma. When she looked at Emma she was clutching a glass next to where Alyssa’s hand was gripping the counter, and her eyes were on Alyssa.

The pull that Alyssa had felt from Emma that night in her own mother’s kitchen, and the next day inside the car suddenly came alive again and now felt like a blunt ache pulsing against the center of her chest, urging her towards the source.

Still without words, Alyssa decided action would have to do. She took a step closer and placed a hand on Emma’s cheek. The blonde fluttered her eyes before closing them and pressed her face against Alyssa’s palm. As slowly as Alyssa could make herself go, she moved towards Emma, watching and sensing for every signal Emma was giving, allowing her every opportunity to back out of this. 

She brushed her lips against Emma’s lightly, almost a ghost of a touch, before retreating. She did it again and again, grazing first over Emma’s lower lip and then the upper one with the softest of caresses. Finally, she pulled away but let herself linger close. It was so quiet Alyssa could hear her heart beating in her ears. It thumped with longing and with fear until Emma’s lips slowly parted and Alyssa felt them, soft and warm against hers. Alyssa kissed Emma the way a heroine returning home to her lover would - with every fiber of her being poured into it. If this was the last time she was ever allowed to kiss her, she wanted to make sure Emma knew what she meant, what she had always meant to her.

When Emma pulled back Alyssa heard herself make a noise and chased after retreating lips but a gentle resistance from Emma’s hand on her chest quickly sobered her.

She opened her eyes and looked into a face scrunched with worry. Emma’s voice was quiet when she spoke. “We keep doing this. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it, and that I didn’t want more," she said. Her shoulders dropped and movement pulled her body away from Alyssa. Panic seemed to form in Emma's eyes, her words falling on top of one another as she spoke. “But it doesn’t have to be a thing. This was all its own thing. You don't have to worry about me, okay? I would never…” she stopped and swallowed. Her hand had fallen away from where she was clutching onto Alyssa’s top and was now tapping a nervous beat on the kitchen counter.

Nothing Emma just said made any sense. Alyssa wanted to ask Emma what she meant before something occurred to her. “Is that what Sid was telling you that day?”

Emma shook her head. “No. Nothing like that. Sid’s great. He said you’re the fiercest, smartest person he’s ever met. But sometimes you go against your instincts and make small mistakes that you beat yourself up over.”

Alyssa closed her eyes, trying to put everything she heard into context. “You think… I’m here because I made a mistake with…” Words suddenly became hard again.

“This wasn’t how I thought it would be,” she finally said. Alyssa started pacing the small kitchen. She pushed her hair away when they fell over her face because she’d spun around too quickly to face Emma. “When this week started I knew where I was going, what I was doing and what I was going back to. Then you-” Alyssa had stopped her pacing, and she found herself up close to Emma. So close, it definitely counts as invading her personal space. She cupped Emma’s face, her thumbs brushing Emma’s cheeks. Still feeling like she was flying by the seat of her pants, Alyssa murmured, “I'm just going to kiss you again.”

And she did. It didn't matter if it had been a minute, one day or ten years, kissing Emma Nolan felt like the right thing every single time. Teenage Alyssa loved kissing Emma; grown-up Alyssa felt the same, if not more. It was thrilling to kiss this woman, it felt like she was soaring after taking a leap off a cliff and being held in the safest, softest embrace at the same time. Being with Emma like this made a part of her heart glow with happiness, the part that had always and will only ever belong to Emma. 

And in that moment the words in Alyssa’s mind fell into place like interlocking parts of a whole. Alyssa needed to say the words out loud. And that meant they needed to stop kissing. It was a lot harder this time when she tried to break their kiss. They held each other close, foreheads pressed together as they took the moment to just breathe.

Alyssa started to absentmindedly stroke Emma’s hair at the back of the blonde’s neck, lost in the thoughts of the next steps. Her mouth opened and then closed, testing the weight of the words before speaking them aloud. “This has to mean something. Not just this but the time before. And before that. It has to mean something that I always find my way back to you.”

Emma gave Alyssa’s forehead a slight nudge with her own, showing that she understood but not saying anything, allowing Alyssa the room she needed to put everything in front of them.

“I'm still going back to Illinois to win this election. But I also want to come back,” she said hastily.

The smile that broke across Emma’s face was one of pride. It was a look Alyssa noticed when Emma watched her students perform. But this time, this look was for her and Alyssa felt overwhelmed by the trust that smile conveyed. She shook her head. “I don’t know how... I'm going to make the effort, Emma. And I have no right to ask this of you, but will you wait for me?”

Emma’s answer was lost in between even more kisses. 

The next morning, when Alyssa was finally leaving she stood at Emma's front door and asked her the question again to be certain and Emma responded the same way. 

"Always," Emma told her. "The answer is always.”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it! Only an epilogue to go???


	5. Epilogue

The apartment was too quiet for mid morning. Alyssa thought this as she attempted to do a mindfulness exercise to keep her focused. With her eyes shut, she could hear the soft clacking of kitchen utensils and the muted street traffic of the busy Washington DC street below. She could smell her coffee and… waffles? Were there waffles or was it just her imagination? That made her stomach rumble. Alyssa blew out her cheeks and exhaled; this mindfulness thing was making her hungry.

She was sitting at the kitchen bar, her work in front of her as well as a plate of pancakes that wasn’t there before. Alyssa flicked the folder she was reading shut and rubbed a knuckle over tired eyes, makeup be damned.

Then, she picked up her phone and pointed it at herself. “Hey everyone, I'm about to head into a new session this week but unfortunately no time for an AMA. There's so much reading I gotta do ahead of this next bill on early childhood education. But I'm so glad that my brunch mate–" she swung the phone so Emma came into view. The blonde looked up and gave an awkward wave with a spatula in hand, "-is super helpful on the education side of this bill. The caucus is going to make sure we get it out of committee. I’ll drop a link about the amendments we want and you can swipe for more info."

Alyssa finished recording and posted the video.

"Why'd you say you didn't have time?"

"Hm?"

"You’re done. You always flip your folders when you finish like you're celebrating a touchdown in the endzone."

“I see you really upped your sports analogy game since they made you band director,” Alyssa said, pushing herself off the stool and walking over to Emma who was prodding strips of bacon on the stove top griddle. 

She embraced Emma from behind with one hand and reached for Emma's free hand with her other. Alyssa brought the silver band on Emma's finger close and pressed her lips to it. "Perhaps," she said, moving Emma's hand to place it against her own cheek, "I said what I said so I can have time for a little afternoon snuggle with my fiance."

Emma turned her head around while still minding the stove and kissed Alyssa on the side of her head. "No objections from me,” she grinned, scooping up the bacon onto a plate and walking them to the bar.

A long whining sound caused the two of them to look out towards the living room. Max, their eight-month-old boxer, was laying on his back by the electric fireplace. His long limbs splayed out and his head was lolled to one side. From where they stood, Max looked like an untrussed chicken roasting by the fake flames.

Emma chuckled before grabbing her phone. She snapped a photo of the puppy and uploaded it to her own socials. A moment later Alyssa’s phone buzzed. When she saw what she’d been tagged on, Alyssa groaned. “Why do you insist on using his full name?” 

“Because it’s a fine name.”

“You just couldn’t say ‘no’ to your homeroom kids!”

Max whined again and shifted. Emma looked at the dog with adoration in her eyes. “It was either that or ‘Smelly Bumbum’,” she said with pride.

“I worry when we have children of our own,” Alyssa muttered. She breathed in sharply realizing the implication of what she just said. The words had come out of her before she could stop it.

They both kept looking at the dog. Still lost in some dream, Max’s hind paws kept jerking. Then, as though he’d heard Emma use his almost-name earlier, the pup contorted himself until his bottom half pointed at an odd angle from the rest of his body before letting one rip. His human parents did not even seem surprised.

Emma pulled Alyssa to her and pressed another kiss to her head. She stayed there, a soothing presence to Alyssa. 

“If and when we have kids,” Emma said softly, “Dorkus Maximus will be the best big bro to his human siblings.”

Max, so completely attuned to Emma’s voice, startled awake at his full name. He started to growl excitedly and trotted to the kitchen, going around the feet of his humans and jumping up trying to paw at them. After a few seconds of this, and perhaps thinking it would work better to switch tactics, he sat down as still as he could with a tail that was whipping wildly with excitement while looking up at Emma expectantly.

“Here you go, buddy!” Emma bent down with an extra crisp piece of bacon in her hand. Before she could center herself Max barked and leapt at her. Alyssa watched the two of them tumble to the ground, play fighting, and was unable to tell which one of them was having more fun.

Her mind wandered and found its way to the path of what ifs - What if she never went back to Edgewater to speak at the festival? What if she never kissed Emma that first night? What if she stayed on the left lane instead of-?

“It’s really loud in there, isn’t it?” Emma’s voice, soft and calming, released Alyssa from the quicksand of thoughts she’d dropped herself in.

“You help, you make it manageable. Have I ever told you that you’re amazing? You, coming to DC with me. Giving up that promotion for head of department?” 

“I’m the one who decided to take this sabbatical. I get to be here and support you in your first year as a congresswoman and do my field research…” Emma paused at that and sighed. “Tell me again, why did I think going for my PhD was a good idea?” She walked over the sink to wash her hands and Max trailed after her, thinking they were still playing.

“Because,” Alyssa hummed, “You’re fulfilling my mother’s dream of finally having a doctor in the family. And just think, one more year she’ll cheer the loudest at your graduation.”

Emma flipped open the kitchen towel she was using to dry her hands, holding it like a matador to Max, the charging dog bull. “And five years later, I’ll have no use for that doctorate when I’m First Lady. Just spending my days finding matching fabrics for the East Wing windows,” she said, now gazing softly at the towel.

“Michelle Obama would like a word,” Alyssa said dryly.

Where Emma was standing the angle of the sun was hitting just right, bringing out the shades of green and brown of her irises. Alyssa could fall forever and never get to the bottom of those eyes. Suddenly remembering the game, she asked, with her eyes still on Emma, “And ten years later?”

Emma smiled at her, because they now had an answer. “Whatever we want it to be, as long as I’m with you.”

* * *


End file.
